Why Your Child Does NOT Need to Say “I’m Sorry”
As parents and adults, we may have been raised to be part of a polite and apologetic culture. It might have been the way that we grew up, hearing the importance of the word “sorry.” For young children, it is not a practical or developmental reality for your child to handle a situation simply by saying “I’m sorry.” Those words can brush an issue under the rug, it can be a way out of actual conflict or confrontation. It is an easy solution but does not address the actual behavior or incident. If a child pushes another child, then simply apologizes, they can escape the issue by walking away. This is a disservice to your child who pushed because they were frustrated or hurt by something, as well as the other child who won’t know what they did to hurt someone else. The specific actions need to be addressed to prevent it from happening again.
So how do you support your child when they find themselves facing conflict? Children are building language for handling conflict. They have to face disagreements and have challenging interactions so that they may build upon their vocabulary and learn how to independently solve issues on their own. The position of the adults in their lives are to model language, and in many cases GIVE THEM repeatable language so they can hear it modeled and copy and repeat as needed. Saying “I’m sorry” does not get to the root of why a child might be upset, or what they may need to feel better. This method supports your child in developing empathy for what someone needs when they are hurt, as well as problem solving.
A dialouge to follow:
Sophie hits Jenny.
Adult: “Sophie, you must have been feeling so upset to hit Jenny. What were you so angry about?”
Sophie: “I did not like that she took my truck.”
Adult: “Let’s tell jenny- I did not like it when you took my truck”
Sophie tells Jenny I did not like it when you took my truck
Adult: “Jenny, did you like it when Sophie hit you? Let’s tell her!”
Jenny: “I did not like it when you hit me”
Adult: “Sophie, it seems like Jenny did not like that. Let’s tell Jenny that you will not do that anymore. And let’s check in with her: Jenny, how can I help you feel better? Do you need a hug? An ice pack?”
Peer Problem solving technique
What is the problem (each child takes a turn to tell what they think the problem is, adults chime in and take a turn if needed).
What is a solution? (each child takes a turn to tell what they think the problem is, adults chime in and take a turn if needed).
Do you agree?
When both children agree (or when the adult summarizes and helps come up with solutions if the children couldn’t agree then the problem is solved.
If they solve the problem the adults say “You are a problem solver.”
Rather than I’m sorry as an excuse for behavior, ask the children to tell each other:
“What would you like them to do next time?”
“You may not hurt my body.” “Keep your hands to yourself.” “Play safe.”
“You may walk away.”
“Find someone else to play with.”
“If you try to hurt me I won’t play with you anymore.”
If someone is hurt or needs support, the children practice asking
“Are you ok?”
“Is there anything you need to feel better?”
(creative solutions practiced are an ice pack, drink of water, a hug from a friend, a silly joke, etc…)