Is Acknowledging Feelings the Missing Piece to Calming Tantrums?
A content toddler starts hysterically crying for seemingly no reason. Is this a surprising event? With nicknames like terrible twos and threenagers, you may be thinking, so what?
Well, I’m here to tell you what and why too.
The toddler’s caregiver immediately starts in with phrases that are meant to stop the crying:
“You’re a big boy!”
Considering full grown adults cry, this one’s never made any sense to me. How does a child’s physical size relate to the crying? If anything, their size should make caregivers expect more crying considering their brain, in particular the frontal cortex, which is responsible for regulating emotions, is not fully developed yet.
“Be happy!”
Ah yes! Just the phrase we need to hear when we’re having a hard time with something! It’ll magically make us feel the opposite of what we’re currently feeling. Spoiler alert: this didn’t work either.
After eking out a phrase about their stroller being moved, the toddler gets louder.
The caregiver tries a different approach, telling the toddler:
“The stroller will melt.” and then “Your brother needs to eat.”
Again the toddler mentions the stroller being moved and protests even louder.
I’ve watched some version of this scenario play out countless times over the years. So what’s going on with all these terrible two year olds and threenagers?
Usually nothing outside of what’s developmentally normal. They have a limited vocabulary and ability to express themselves and these negative labels our culture has pinned on them isn’t doing anyone any favors.
Honestly, in these scenarios, the caregivers are missing the point. Instead of just trying to stop the crying, I would encourage them to get curious as to why the child is crying.
In this particular instance, I heard the child trying to communicate to the caregiver that they were upset that the stroller was moved. Hot tip: children at this age are trying desperately to make sense of the world around them. That’s why they thrive on routine and order. The stroller being moved was outside of this child’s routine and threw off their sense of order.
Alternatively, the caregiver could get curious about why the child is crying and then acknowledge why the child is upset. “I see your crying. I hear you don’t like that I moved the stroller.” Sometimes this alone can stop or at least slow down the crying.
When the child is less upset, the caregiver could then explain why the stroller had to be moved, “I had to move the stroller out of the hot sun so your brother could eat comfortably. Would you like to help me put it back when he’s finished eating?” Or, “I see it really bothered you that I moved the stroller without telling you ahead of time. Next time I’ll let you know I’m going to move it.”
If caregivers took the time to understand why the child is crying and then acknowledge it, our playgrounds and world could be a more peaceful place. After all, children are human beings who want and deserve their feelings to be acknowledged.
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