How to Handle it When Your Child (Cuts Her Own Hair) Tests Limits

Recently, my 4-year-old daughter cut her own hair. We didn’t notice initially, because she had grabbed the chunk of her hair that falls in front of her face and cut so close to the scalp, it was hard to tell amongst the remaining thick locks that surround her adorable mug. We were on our way to a friend’s house and she emerged from her bedroom with a twinkle in her eye, and in the midst of packing up and getting out the door, it went unnoticed.

When we arrived at our friend’s house, I casually brushed her hair back and noticed the missing chunk of hair. Years of working with children has given me expertise in “a long pause” before reacting to anything. So, as she registered that I noticed, I simply let out an “oh! what a surprise. Now I understand what you were doing in your bedroom.” Because we were at a friend’s house, I chose not to make a big scene (at the age of 4, she is socially aware and not interested in being put on the spot in front of others) but let my daughter know that we would talk more about it later.

In the car on the way home, I gently opened up the conversation. “I am thinking about your hair and want you to know that it is never ok to use scissors in that way. You may cut paper, string, etc., but you may never cut your hair. Your behavior tells me we should remove the scissors from your room. I am feeling sad that you made that choice without checking in with us first.”

It should also be noted that she cut her hair into a small bowl in her room and slid it under her bed. It was neat, contained and she kept her fallout quite tidy! She told me on the car ride home that she wanted to go into her room first so she could “take care of something” aka hide the evidence before we entered. I allowed her this moment, as I know she was processing her own feelings around her actions.

I let it go for the moment and then during a cozy cuddle on the couch the next day, just mentioned to her “I am still thinking about your hair.” We had another conversation in which I was able to reinforce once again the limits of scissors.

When speaking to children about their choices, it is important that they also hear from the adults or from their peers, siblings, how others are feeling. To build empathy and sensitivity to others, it is helpful for them to know how their actions impact the people around them. As well as give clear, and direct statements. I wanted her to know that cutting her own hair was NOT ok, but I could deliver that message calmly and without too much emphasis for her to understand. I threw in my own feelings of sadness to tug on her heart strings a little bit.

Talking with your child after the action during a calm, quiet time will also help them process and debrief. They will be more open in sharing their feelings and listening to your words.

It is also the age. 4-year olds, 3-year olds, even 5–6-year-olds will experiment. They will cut their own hair, they will put something odd up their nostril, they will bite, scratch and hit. It is the time for curiosity, and learning from their actions. As the adult or caregiver in their lives, you are there to calmly reinforce limits and expectations. I often repeat to children “there are no good and bad people, but there are good and bad choices.” Help your child understand the best choices possible. You are molding your child’s moral compass and they will look to you for a deeper understanding of what that means.

A few months later, my daughter decided she hated her bangs and we had to come up with some creative ways to hide, or cover them to her satisfaction. The natural consequence of her dissatisfaction will ensure that she will not be repeating that behavior again.

How to Handle it When Your Child (Cuts Her Own Hair) Tests Limits

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