When Sharing Isn’t Caring
“Does it get easier— the sharing?” she asks.
I take a moment and decide the truth is always better than sugarcoating it. “It doesn’t get easier, it gets… different.” She nods, digesting.
“You know it’s actually completely developmentally normal that she doesn’t want to share her shovel.” “Oh really?” I see her shoulders relax a bit.
“Totally! I’m a former preschool teacher and we actually don’t make the children share because they aren’t developmentally ready to yet.”
My 16 month old son starts saying water repeatedly and I excuse myself to help him get the water bottle from our bag.
She finds me again by the swings and asks, “So what would you do in that scenario earlier? You wouldn’t make your child share their toys?” “No, I wouldn’t.”
Since my first son was born in 2017, I stepped back from teaching to focus on my family. We’ve spent a good amount of time at the playground. I’ve lost count of how many tears we’ve seen shed from toddlers and preschoolers over their toys. As an empath, I can’t help but feel the stress from not only the children but their caregivers alike.
There’s a lot of unsuccessful negotiations going on. “But look you have this blue shovel too!” “Can you just let her see it for a minute?” “Why don’t you go down the slide instead?” All the suggestions fall flat. Then there’s usually louder protests from the child who can’t help but feel misunderstood and apologies from the caregiver who can’t help but feel shame.
Is there something wrong going on here? Well, yes, but it might not be what you think. The child is acting in a developmentally appropriate manner. It’s the caregiver’s expectations that are inappropriate.
We shouldn’t expect our children to share until age 3.5 or 4 and even then they won’t always want to. I mean do you offer to share the book you’re in the middle of reading to the stranger next to you on a flight? But look you have this book too! Can you just let her see it for a minute? Why don’t you listen to music instead?
So what could you do? Instead of trying to cajole or force your child to share, you can model the behavior you wish to see.
Practice sharing something with your child often. You can say out loud, “I’m really enjoying playing with the red car but I can see you’re interested in it too. When I’m finished, I’m going to give it to you.”
Then the next time you’re at the playground, use that same type of language. Narrate out loud what’s happening for your child, “Oh I see that child is really interested in your shovel. I wonder if when you’re finished you’ll give them a turn to see it.”
This gives your child the choice to share their toys.
It gives your child the power to make the decision. Your child won’t always choose to share and that’s okay too. Either way— hope to see you at the sandbox!