Trying to Crack the Recipe For Best Self
As parents, we are regularly made to choose between our own needs and desires, and the needs and desires of another. This is something we may not have fully appreciated in the time prior to its reality, but each of us is, no doubt, acutely aware of that truth now.
One of the life areas where that choice is most starkly felt is that of the attempt to balance one’s role as a parent versus the roles asked of us by our careers: no matter how hard we try, we often feel that we are somehow not devoting the adequate amount of time to either endeavor, despite the mathematical impossibility that may appear to be.
Becoming a chef was a path I constantly had to check against my desire to be a good father; nearly every management position in the restaurant industry asks late nights, weekends, and holidays as par for the course, not to mention the fact that when you’re understaffed on the hot line, the boss is often the one to jump in and fill that gap. At the end of the day, you have very little control over when you get to go home, and the gaps that arise between opportunities to spend time with family are often unpredictable and sudden.
Just before our first child, Jackson, was born, I was lucky enough to earn the position of Chef at a fairly prominent winery— an environment well known for its more reasonable hours. I worked there for the next five years, and I am forever grateful for the opportunity to put my fatherhood first, even if it meant stepping away from the current of my industry. If I’m being honest, I’ll admit that there were times that I questioned myself, and whether my knowledge and skill were falling by the wayside; I saw some of my peers advancing their careers and I sometimes felt stuck, both due to the nature of the job itself, as well as the obligation I felt to honor my family and keep the sought-after family-friendly schedule I’d been so fortunate to find.
Around the time our second child, Leah, came into our lives, I’d begun to truly feel the itch for a shift in my career. “Stuck” had started to feel more like “stifled,” and when my wife and I both began to notice that I was returning home from work increasingly despondent and with less patience or desire to engage, I knew the time had come to search for a new role elsewhere. as beyond too many corners to be seen.
My initial scans, unfortunately, only further reinforced my fears that I’d grown obsolete as I languished by the culinary wayside. The only jobs that suited my skillset and family-oriented priorities seemed drab and unappealing. Anything that got me excited quickly soured when I dove into details. Any light at the end of the tunnel was beyond too many corners to be seen.
Eventually, I found what I thought could fit the bill: a management position with daytime hours at a high-profile new restaurant opening soon. The company and role were a great fit, and I was promised that once we got through the initial opening hump and grit of long hours and growing pains, my Out-by-5 schedule would kick in. Unfortunately, between another manager resigning and business booming, that reality never arrived, and somehow, beyond belief, I found myself smack in the middle of a stereotypical restaurant schedule, often going several days without spending any time with my young children and missing important days and occasions. Now I felt trapped on the other side of the tracks, constantly guilt-ridden about prioritizing work over family, and feeling phantom judgment from my spouse for not physically being there enough, or from my boss, for not mentally being there enough.
After less than a year, I knew it was only going to get harder as I grew in the position and the company, and I was crestfallen as I realized that I, once again, had to pack up shop and try and find the Unicorn of work-life balance.
But this time, I felt confident and assured after a year of trial-by-fire, back in the coals of the forge and no longer watching the industry pass me by. That meant I reached for the fruit on branches a few notches higher than the last go-round, and what I ended up grabbing hold of turned out to be the best opportunity yet, and one wherein I am allowed to design the schedule that works for my family.
I guess my headline here is that we all want to be our best selves in every role that’s thrust upon us. Those roles don’t always seem compatible, especially when it comes to putting our kids first. But at the end of the day, I think it’s important we, as parents, continue to strive and search for the role and the life that will make us truly happiest, because at the end of the day, that’s our best self. It may take time, and a series of chess-like moves and calculations to get there. But if we prioritize our own happiness, we are setting that example to empower our kids to do the same, and there is nothing more important than that.
By Johnny Gnall
Johnny Gnall grew up in the Washington, DC area and earned his bachelor's in English at Colgate University before making a career shift into the hospitality industry and attending the California Culinary Academy in San Francisco. It was there that he met his future wife and fell in love with her and the Bay Area. Johnny went on to cook in fine dining, catering and corporate catering in SF, before he and his wife, Julia, moved to Sonoma County to open their own catering business and start their family. They now live in Windsor with their children: Jackson, 6, and Leah, 2. In addition to gardening, growing, and cooking all things culinary, Johnny has also been an avid writer since grade school and his work has been published various times in online and printed publications. He is currently the Chef of Events at SingleThread in Healdsburg, and is always on the lookout for his next incredible meal.