How to be a Gentle Parent When your Child Isn’t being Gentle
Consider this scenario: your toddler has just hit another child at the park, and a recurring pattern of sibling aggression during the challenging "witching hour" persists within your family. Despite your efforts to remain calm and composed, recognizing that reacting with anger or frustration may escalate the situation, you find that the behavior continues. How do you proceed in future situations?
Physical Proximity when Situation is Escalating:
Getting physically close when you sense a situation escalating is a crucial proactive measure. By standing in between and blocking potential physical contact, you can defuse tension.
As a calm and sturdy leader, say “It’s my #1 job to keep you both safe.”
Immediate Response to the Recipient:
In some instances, the rapid onset of your child's aggressive behavior can catch you off guard. If the hitting has already occurred, it's important to resist reacting strongly to the instigator initially, even if it may feel counterintuitive. Children often hit as a way of expressing their need for limits or attention, where any form of attention is perceived as positive. In the aftermath of an aggressive incident, redirect your focus to the recipient FIRST. This is important, even in public settings, where the child who got hurt may be a stranger. This approach also models and teaches empathy for the child who exhibited aggressive behavior.
Ask questions like, "Are you okay? Do you need anything, such as an ice pack? Ouch, that must have really hurt. I’m so sorry that happened."
Addressing the Instigator with Curiosity:
After addressing the child who got hurt, engage with the child who displayed aggressive behavior expressing, "I observed that you were really frustrated, and you hit. I won't let you do that. It’s okay to be mad; it’s not okay to hit because it hurts others. What were your hands trying to say?"
Toddlers often resort to hitting due to their inability to effectively express and regulate their emotions. They are ego-centric, which makes sharing difficult. Provide them with words to express their needs, “Were you trying to say can I have a turn with the toy when you’re done?” or “I need space?”
For older children, validate their emotions by saying “It seems like you were feeling really frustrated, am I getting that correct? Pause, always checking in with them to avoid assuming their feelings. Refrain from shaming them, recognizing that children, regardless of age, may exhibit aggressive behavior for various reasons, including hunger, exhaustion, and dysregulation.
Encourage them to explore alternative ways to express anger: squeezing fists and releasing them, punching a pillow, or coming to an adult for help problem solving.
Checking on the Child that Got Hurt Together:
After addressing the instigator, invite them to check on the recipient. If they are hesitant, offer to do it together. Encourage them to ask questions like, "Are you okay?" and "Do you need anything?" It's important not to force an apology because that may come off as ingenuine. However, even young toddlers delight in running to the freezer and getting an ice pack or bandaid for the person they hurt.
All children's behavior serves as a form of communication. Children are still developing their emotional intelligence and may resort to physical actions to release pent-up emotions or communicate their distress when words fail them. In instances where a child continues to engage in physical aggression, enforce a pre-established, logical consequence, such as temporarily removing them from the public space or room. Provide a reminder of this consequence in advance. Even within the approach of gentle parenting, setting limits is an expression of love.